Tag Archives: Forgiveness

Family Ties

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“At its best, family is the home we carry inside of us, a haven in a troubled word.  And even at its most trying, family still helps us, expanding our capacity for tolerance and escorting us (sometimes kicking and screaming) into new realms of understanding.”
~O Magazine, December 2001

Family Drama.  Every family has their own version of it, and my family is certainly no exception.  My family divided like the Red Sea when I was in my late twenties.  My parents and two oldest siblings on one side, and my other sister and I on the other.  From the outside looking in, my family appeared to be a “normal” family – two loving parents and four kids. Growing up, we sat down to dinner together every night, and had Sunday family dinners with relatives and/or significant others.  Despite being so much younger than my siblings, we all played together whether it was kick the can in the street with the rest of the neighborhood kids, late night swims in our pool, or shooting hoops in our backyard.  While that image of normal did exist, the inside view showed a more storied version.  Eventually, that storied version led to an estrangement that has lasted for nearly twelve years.  What led to that great divide is of little importance to this post – it is in the past (and remember, I’m traveling a new road which is about the present and moving forward.)

This blog post isn’t about the drama,  it’s about how, despite the dysfunction,  family is the one constant (at least in my life) that continually teaches me more about myself than any other experience or relationship.  After twelve years, I recently went back home to visit my sister and to reconcile with my parents.  I was very open to spending time with my mom and dad again, but I didn’t know what to expect from them or what they expected of me or from me. Surprisingly, I was calm about the whole thing.  Sure, I was nervous, but my mind wasn’t riddled with questions. Rather it as filled with answers – I told myself “If anyone wants to rehash the past, I will calmly say that we have all been hurt in one way or another but I’m here to let go of that and to move forward with you one day at a time.” I let go of my fears, I arrived in Tampa with no expectations, and to my surprise – my answers worked.  I was open to the possibilities the long weekend would bring, and feel confident that the result is the start of a new relationship with my family.

Without my family (dysfunction), I’m not sure I would have come to be the person I am today.  I’m a compassionate, hard-working, and loving individual with a great deal of strength, courage, and independence.  I have a fighting spirit that, I know for sure, developed from the examples set forth by family. I’m grateful for my family and what they have taught me.  And I quite like who I’ve become.

There is an Italian saying about family – Chi si volta, e chi si gira, sempre a casa va finire – No matter where you go or turn, you will always end up at home.

What have you learned about yourself from your family experiences?

Catch and Release

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“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world – not even our troubles.”
~Charlie Chaplin

Let go.  Purge.  Forgive.  Move on.

We hear these phrases all too often when we talk with our friends or family about whatever those things are that we hang on to, and that slowly eat away at us.  Sure, ok, but it is really much easier said than done.  What does it really mean to do all those things?  How do you let go?

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when I was reading an article in the most recent issue of O Magazine about making your home a sanctuary that “Letting Go” clicked for me.  The article was based on a book called Soul Space by Xorin Balbes.  The idea is that we live in a hectic world, and when we come home, we should feel like we are being welcomed into our own personal retreat.  The article was timely, as I have been in a purge all the “stuff” from my apartment craze.  I can purge with the best of them – the air mattress I haven’t used in 4 years.  Gone.  The tax returns from the 90s – shredded.

After reading the article, I started looking at all of my “stuff” through different eyes.  It was no longer a question of “Have I used this in the last 6 months?”  Now, the question “How does this make me feel?” became part of my routine.  What I realized is that while I do a good job of purging old clothes or other household items at least twice a year, I don’t do such a good job of purging the things that hold emotional value, especially those that bring up old feelings of hurt, heartbreak, or just hold no value at all anymore.  This purging craze has taken on a whole new meaning.

In the span of one week, I came across a handful of things that washed me over with all the emotions of an old heartbreak.  Letters (the handwritten kind) and photos.  I’m not ready to let go of them just yet (and I’m not sure I ever will be), but what I did find is that I felt all those emotions of loss and love again.  After a little time passed and I sorted through more things, I had this A-ha moment. I had let go in that instant.  I set the love and the hurt free.  I realized it was a wonderful time in my life, and I have so many amazing memories that I don’t need to let the rest of it define me (or make me think I am anything less than awesome and worthy of great things).  I decided right then that I can no longer allow the hurt and anger take the front seat on my new journey toward bliss.  Letting go is hard.  Forgiveness is hard.  I had to allow myself to really feel the loss, but then had to make the decision to turn the page.  Life is like those old books where you could choose what happened next.  I want to see where this life takes me when I choose to turn the page to a new chapter.

Let Go.  Purge. Forgive.  Move On.
None of it means forgetting about the past, it just means we are opening ourselves up to the possibilities that lie ahead.  Only this time, we have some experience under our belts.